i am alone, but i'm not lonely. less than 2 years ago i could not fathom dining along in a busy beer garden. i am surrounded by groups of friends and family and coworkers. i am sitting alone, my laptop in front of me and my beer to my right, my empty plate sitting across. i couldn’t fathom heading to an event alone, and as i sit here sipping my beer i am feeling satisfied and fulfilled. i am content.
being intentionally alone is a strange feeling, but it’s not bad. i guess it’s not intentional. had i met someone who wanted to sit with me, i would gladly accept the company and conversation. but no one has, and the people around me are not my people. they’re fine, but they’re not for me. i appreciate their conversations, their laughter, their voices. i tune in and out, taking in bite sized pieces of conversations i have no place in. some of them are interesting. a lot of them are lame. these are not my people.
i am in the city. you know, the one with the bridge and the palm trees that don’t belong. i used to love and hate this place. now i hate and love this place. it’s changed. the grit has been replaced with men and women who all look and sound the same. having the same conversations. thinking the same thoughts.
it’s not fair for me to generalize. there is so much here to love. there’s still real people, they’re just somewhere else. this is not their place.
i ended up here on purpose. i knew what i was getting into. but soon i will be with my people, hopefully. still, i enjoy listening and watching. i love seeing a reality that could have been for me. a life i rejected. a life that was and would have been a lie. a life that would have certainly killed me, had it won.
the conversations make me laugh. they make me feel joy. i feel free.
i am not an asshole. i am not judging these people, i am musing the fact that we are so different. that i would never, ever, choose to be with them. they would never, ever, choose to be with me. and that’s okay. i am so happy not being one of them. i an overjoyed to have taken a different path.
i am not alone if i am with myself. in a sea of of people who are not mine, the company i keep with myself is all that matters. i love me. i always have, even if i didn’t see it. i always will. now with the final sips of my beer, i am ready to start moving towards people who might be mine. and if they aren’t, that’s okay. i have me.
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